geezer files, part I

I was riding in today thinking about tricks. I'm not much for tricks, myself. I can trackstand all day on a fixed or free, 1-handed most of the time, and if I have a good bank, I can no-handed for a while, but I've never really done the one-footer; my style just isn't suited to it.

The only real trick I can do is a high-speed nose wheelie, which is nice in that it can potentially save your life, and as I've mentioned before, allow you ride hot into tricky spots with the confidence that you stop quicker. I guess I can catch a mean tow; either by flat-out grabbing a vehicle (pickups are easiest), though more accessible are wheel-wells. The best are those bars used on swing-out spare tires on SUVs, or after-market whale tails on hondas. Though I've gotten mini-tows from leaning on car trunks, digging my fingernails into a seam on a body panel, or simply palming a bus. Ah, good times. I don't do that much anymore. About 6 years ago I caught a 45 mph tow on Clark...from what turned out to be an off-duty cop. He flashed a badge, I split, played cat and mouse, eventually got caught, and got off only by mentioning I was on my way home to see my baby before she went to bed for the night. I was rather amused by the whole thing, however, my wife was not, and insisted that activity be put in the "can't live like that anymore now that you have kids" list. I grumbled, but generally gave it up, since I really don't want my kids to grow up knowing dad got whacked pulling a tow....unless it was pulling a tow to deliver a heart transplant or nuclear secrets or something.

I've always believed that if you make sort of a spectacle of yourself, you're less likely to get hit. Unless you're being a hotdog, and you make people want to run you over. But generally, I feel like, even though I may look a little "posenger," as long as I'm laying it down hard, cars will generally give me some slack.

But anyway, it got me thinking about tricks, and a couple in particular. I knew a trials master in Boston who, according to rumor, when he got disrespected in traffic, would ride up on to the hood of an offending car. I saw him do this to a parked car (even up to the roof, bouncing on one wheel the whole time), though I always suspected it was an urban legend that he did it in traffic. I knew a couple guys who could ride a track bike backwards for a ways, but that's not too tough. But I knew a couple guys who were in another class.

Clay was simply a sick athlete. In his 20's, he looked like a high school football player, and you'd never expect him to be able to pull off such massive airs, but he had some sick skills. He had a 24 inch cruiser (sort of an oversized bmx bike), like a PK ripper or an OM flyer, and he really knew how to work it. I can pull maybe a 8-10 inch bunny hop with clipless pedals, and I thought I was the bomb, but I saw Clay do a 360 bunny hop over a fire hydrant with flat pedals. Between him and his bike, that was about 200+ pounds, spinning 3 feet off the ground. Sick. Bunny hopping up 3-4 steps at speed, and when eventually getting a flat, riding 3 miles home while sitting on the bars and pedaling backwards, as not to punish his back rim.

His racing stories were equally legendary: with another early-90's Atlanta messenger, coming in first and second at an elite mtb race, and celebrating at the finish line with one or both of them puking, draining a Budweiser, and lighting a cigarette. Good times. Also, back when downhill racing was in its infancy, and there were literally a dozen guys in the Southeast competing on $5k rigs, he showed up on his OM flyer, flat pedals, no shocks, single speed, and took the top spot. The rest of the guys were pissed, and they had him disqualified from the points race because technically, your bike had to have 7 speeds. So of course, he dug up a 7 speed internal hub and came back the next time and repeated the feat.

Truly a freak on any bike. He eventually didn't feel like the OM flyer was suited for the abuse, so he built up an old Schwinn cruiser (the kind with twin top rods, and another "swooping" top tube for good measure). He added a front shock, the 7 speed rear hub, flat pedals, and preceded to cream everyone in DH slaloms.

The other trickster, Chris, wasn't quite so accomplished in his racing career, but he certainly took the cake for having big brass ones. When the Olympics were about to come to Atlanta, the PD started having roaming cops on bikes. They would creep up and down Peachtree at the slowest pace imaginable, in a pack two riders wide, taking up an entire lane, thinking they were the bomb. As a messenger, if you so much as passed them too fast, they would take offense and flag you down. One day Chris passed a pack of them, only he did so riding a wheelie half a block long. With his front wheel fully crossed at a 90 degree angle. With one hand. I would get locked up for rolling through a crosswalk, but somehow they just let him slide on that one. This is the same guy that starting catching tows off cars, but again...in a wheelie. Christ, I've done nearly 100k miles, I can barely ride a wheelie for 10 feet, nevermind putting one up next to pickup and casually 1-handing it and grabbing a tow. WTF.

I'm down with trackskids half a block long, but they aren't even in the same league. Anyway, that's my flashback of the day. I'll get back to my Metamucil and shuffleboard now. and you kids get offa my lawn!